Resistance is not always a choice

When I first heard about PDA ( Pathological Demand Avoidance) I recognised the behaviour instantly. As a child my Mum would say I was stubborn or lazy , if only I would do my homework or clean my room. I realise that some of that was because I was a child but there was something else. Even when I had intended to do it, the moment she told me that I should, it became 10 times harder to start.

Associated with Autistic Spectrum Condition and other neurodivergent conditions and possibly ADHD , Pathological Demand Avoidance is one of the most frustration causing attributes of a neurodivergent brain.

We know that our brains control our bodies. Our brains desire for glucose can make us eat that extra biscuit even when we’re on a diet, our brains’ desire for nicotine can force us to light a cigarette even when we know it’s literally killing us, so let’s agree that the brain can overrule the body when it wants to.

All brains create resistance in some form or another. Tell a child “you MUST” put your coat on or “ DON’T RUN” and you will see how there is an instinctive reaction to do the opposite. In Neuro Linguistic Programming, modal operators of necessity, (words like must, have to, should, ought to, got to), will often make a person push back, but PDA is something else again.

Most people ( the neuromajority) learn how to over-rule their brains desire to push back on any instruction, when it matters.

In the case of PDA, over-ruling is rarely possible.

A person with PDA is not choosing to resist, their brain is making the decision and will use everything in its armoury to stop the body doing the thing it thinks it needs to resist, even when it makes sense and might even be pleasurable.

In his book untypical, Pete Wharmby gives his personal example of being asked to take a shower.

It was his intention to take a shower and he was really looking forward to it, the water at the right temperature, the towel that’s just the right softness, and the feeling of freshness afterwards, until someone suggested, politely that he should take a shower. From that point on, he was physically unable to take the steps in the direction of the shower. His body was at the mercy of his brain and even though he knew he wanted one, was unable to take the shower.

Resistance is natural if we think we are being asked to do something we won’t like, but in the case of PDA, the request itself is the cause of the resistance.

Things to think about:

• How can you word your request to make it more of an invitation than an instruction?
• Can you give options to let the person decide how and when they do the task?
• Can you flatten the hierarchy so make it more collaborative?
• Can you invite the person to come up with a solution themselves?
• Try to remove extra pressure such as making a request in private and not in an open office.

In the workplace we’re not likely to be talking about showers but “I need you to finish that report by 4.00pm” might be less effective than “how soon could you get that report to me, I have a meeting at 4.00pm where I plan to share it”.

Not every neurotype experiences PDA but if you have someone who consistently doesn’t do what you ask, it’s one of the things that could be getting in the way.

The main thing to remember is that the individual themselves will find this incredibly frustrating and would love to find a way to work around it with your help.